


I am a man and I confess I fake

by enjolraspermittedit



Category: Brat'ya Karamazovy | Brothers Karamazov - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Genre: (Of some sort anyway), Brothers, Gen, Jealousy, Psychoanalysis, Stream of Consciousness, complicated feelings, not incestous but some of Ivan's feelings and thoughts could make some uncomfortable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-25 00:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16186223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enjolraspermittedit/pseuds/enjolraspermittedit
Summary: Ivan Karamazov just wants to be close to his brother Alexei Karamazov. He feels as if Alyosha is close to everyone but him. Cue overthinking and complicated, messy emotions.





	I am a man and I confess I fake

Ivan Karamazov was lonely, although that was not the word that he typically preferred to use. But there was no point in denying that he was dissatisfied with his life, as per usual. He did not believe that things could possibly change, but he sure as all hell wanted them too. He wanted...what? He wanted to be more like Alexei? He wanted to be closer to Alexei? Both? But of course Alexei preferred the company of literally anybody else. Ivan didn't blame him or look down on him for it - if anything, he looked down on and blamed himself. Alyosha was the baby of the family, the cherub, and Ivan was...what? 

In a world made up only of suffering, Alyosha seemed to embody the opposite. He seemed to feel the opposite and experience the opposite. If Ivan were the type to describe people as perfect, then his brother would absolutely fit that description.

Ivan knew deep down that Alyosha did care about him and love him; he just wanted that sentiment to be expressed through actions or words. Not that Ivan was perfect at expressing his own feelings - no, he was far from it! He recalled the times when he tried to tell Alyosha that he desired to become closer with him, and all of the times that nothing came out of it. Of course, there were also times when the two brothers had been affectionate with one another, through kisses and hugs and sweet words, but it did not happen near as much as Ivan wished.

_Is all of this my fault?_ Ivan asked himself. He knew that he had a tendency to be distant, and that it had taken him a large amount of time to even feel like a proper part of the family. (Even still he did not always feel connected to his family, especially on the bad days.) Some referred to him as angry and nihilistic, was that a part of the problem? Ivan would admit that he was not the most happy and cheerful person, but he didn't necessarily intend to be that way...he felt as if it was something he was born into and could never possibly grow out of. _What on Earth is wrong with me?_ Ivan viewed himself as the opposite of Alexei, but why did that have to be a problem? Opposites were supposed to attract one another, were they not?

Jealousy was a monster, and Ivan was a hypocrite. He saw envy as one of the countless problems with the world, and yet he was jealous of those that managed to have a proper close relationship with Alyosha; Dmitri included. Speaking from a purely factual standpoint, all three of them were brothers. But when it came down to Ivan's own emotions...well, it was no wonder that he frequently felt so alienated from his supposed family. Not only did his brothers seem to _have_ better than him, but they seemed to just _be_ better than him. A very simplified way to describe it would be that they were good and he was not.

But no. Ivan didn't even believe in good and evil, or at least not in the ways that most of the world did. However, when it came down to his own personal judgements, he still had opinions - lots of them - on many topics, his family and himself included. Ivan based his opinions on nothing more than fact and reason, and any rational mind would see that yes, his brother was better than he was, and thus he doubted if he even deserved the closeness that he so yearned for.

Hypothetically, it would be much better to let these feelings out than to bottle them up inside of himself, but had Ivan Karamazov ever done that in the past? Hardly. He expressed his sentiments and his beliefs (and his lack of beliefs), but he hated to make others aware of any vulnerability or sensitive emotion that he may be experiencing. He could never express his feelings. He never _wanted_ to express his feelings. Was he repressed? Perhaps so.

Or rather, he was repressed on the outside.

When it came to the inside, his own mind, he didn't hide any thoughts from himself. Quite the opposite, in fact. Almost every moment of the day, he was thinking about how he yearned to be closer to his brother. At times, he would berate himself for not being able to form a closer connection with Alyosha. At other times, he would imagine what it would be like if they did have that connection. Ivan would never, ever, admit to being touch-starved, but deep down inside of him he knew that was what he was. He clung to the memories of when he had been affectionate with Alexei, and dreamed about being able to be affectionate with him again. He didn't just want affection - he wanted Alyosha to be the one to initiate the affection.

More specifically, he wanted Alyosha to talk to him, and tell him that he loved him. He wanted Alyosha to show him that he loved him, by kissing him and embracing him. And, as bad as it was, he wanted to be the first choice. He wished to be chosen over Dmitri, over Alyosha's friends, over everyone else. He did not see himself as better than those people! He was being jealous and needy and he knew it, thus making him hate himself even more. It was an endless cycle, a cycle that started when he was a boy and would never see any end.

Ivan Karamazov realized that he had always been a mess.

**Author's Note:**

> this was a commission for alekuzu on tumblr! (mine is rated-r-for-grantaire)!  
> also in case anyone wants to know, the title is from the song I Go Hungry by Mother Mother. The song itself doesn't _particularly_ remind of Ivan but that lyric kinda does!


End file.
